Flunking Home Ec

Recently, I received a copy of the Walter Drake catalogue (www.wdrake.com), which says on its cover that it has been "satisfying customers since 1947".

Remember all those times when you said "there ought to be a gadget that [fill in the blank]" or "wouldn't it be neat if you could push a button [pull a knob, press a lever, etc.] and ---- would happen"? Well, now you can rest easy. Whatever it is, it's been invented, and it's being sold in the Walter Drake catalogue.

Need long, narrow ice cubes to fit into your water bottle? Well, then order item 100-47587, which is an ice tray that makes 10 long-narrow-fit-into-a-bottle ice "cubes".

Embarrased that your hamburgers don't have that "restaurant quality" look? Thank goodness there's item number 101-02770, the "Restaurant Quality Hamburger Press".

Is City Hall ignoring your suggestion that you deserve to have a street named after you? Now your troubles are over, thanks to item 100-65928, the "Personalized Street Sign" (although you'll probably also need item 100-31557, the "Cap Holder (for 1 sign), or 100-31565, the "Crosspiece (for 2 signs)").

There is a downside to this consumer utopia, however -- as I thumbed through the catalogue, I began to realize how woefully deficient I have been in providing my family with the proper tools for sophisticated living. I refer, of course, to the Really Cool But Really Pointless Kitchen Gadgets section. Mind you, the folks at Walter Drake don't call it that, but that's what it is.

For example, when I use half a red onion, I wrap the other half in plastic wrap and put it back in the vegetable crisper. Who knew that I could be using the "Dome Onion Saver", which, with its nifty "hinged lid" "seals to confine odor". It even hangs from the edge of the refrigerator shelf to save valuable shelf space. (Item 100-47546)

But wait, that's not all. There's the whole "Saver" line, which includes the "Lettuce Saver", the "Tomato Saver", the "Bacon Saver", the "Bologna Saver", the "Pancake Mix Saver" and the "English Muffin Saver". You should not confuse these, of course, with the "Hot Dog Keeper" ("holds 8 pack!") and the "Bag-In Bread Dispenser" ("fold cuff over end to prevent crushing and staleness!").

But the coup-de-grace has to be the "Cracker Container" (item 100-47439), in which you can protect your crackers from crushing. Just be sure to specify "round" (Ritz cracker size) or "square" (think Wheat-Thins).

Things you have to believe to be a Republican Today (Revised and Updated)

There has been a list kicking around liberal emails and blogs for a while about the hypocrisy of today's Republican Party. The list is cynical and funny, but then you stop laughing because the hypocrisy just makes you want to cry. Still, the list is funny.

Anyway, I recently got it again in my email and decided that it might be worth updating, if only so that more recent hypocrisies can be memoralized.

Here's the original (as best I can tell) list from November 2003 [link]:

Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you’re a conservative radio host. Then it’s an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

The United States should get out of the United Nations, and our highest national priority is enforcing U.N. resolutions against Iraq.

Government should relax regulation of Big Business and Big Money but crack down on individuals who use marijuana to relieve the pain of illness.

“Standing Tall for America” means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

A woman can’t be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multi-national corporations can make decisions affecting all mankind without regulation.

Jesus loves you, and shares your hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches while slashing veterans’ benefits and combat pay.

Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins unless you someday run for governor of California as a Republican.

If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won’t have sex.

A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, then demand their cooperation and money.

HMOs and insurance companies have the interest of the public at heart.

Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

Global warming and tobacco’s link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him, a bad guy when Bush’s daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him and a bad guy when Bush needed a “we can’t find Bin Laden” diversion.

A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying to enlist support for a war in which thousands die is solid defense policy.

Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

The public has a right to know about Hillary’s cattle trades, but George Bush’s driving record is none of our business.

You support states’ rights, which means Attorney General John Ashcroft can tell states what local voter initiatives they have a right to adopt.

What Bill Clinton did in the 1960s is of vital national interest, but what Bush did in the ’80s is irrelevant.

Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

For what they're worth, here are my suggested updates:

Killing an unborn child is the equivalent of murder. Killing a convicted murderer is a good deterrent policy.

Creating a Homeland Security Department was a bad idea until it was a good idea.

Forming the 9/11 Commission was a bad idea until it was a good idea.

The 9/11 Commission's recommendations were bad ideas until they were good ideas.

It is unreasonable to suggest that corporate CEOs whose companies engaged in accounting fraud weren't aware of the fraud at the time, unless the company is Halliburton, in which case it is unreasonable to suggest that the CEO could possibly have known about the fraud.

It is okay (cathartic, even) for the Vice President to tell a Senator to "Fuck off" on the floor of the Senate, but it is inexcusable for the wife of the Democratic nominee to tell a reporter to "shove it."

Anti-miscegenation laws are wrong and immoral unless we can use them to keep gay people from marrying, in which case they're just good law.

We support states' rights, unless the states do things that we find immoral, in which case the states should be Constitutionally prohibited from acting at all.

Presidential advisors should not have to testify before legislative bodies because that would trample the separation of powers doctrine, but Congress should strip the federal courts of jurisdiction to hear challenges to specific laws that Congress enacts.

Citizens are not entitled to know what materials the Vice President reads when making national energy policy, but the government is entitled to know what books citizens take out of libraries.

Fox News is "fair and balanced".

As a public service, I am collecting additional examples of Republican hypocrises, and will share any that I collect at a later date. Please submit your entries in the usual ways.