Flunking Home Ec

Recently, I received a copy of the Walter Drake catalogue (www.wdrake.com), which says on its cover that it has been "satisfying customers since 1947".

Remember all those times when you said "there ought to be a gadget that [fill in the blank]" or "wouldn't it be neat if you could push a button [pull a knob, press a lever, etc.] and ---- would happen"? Well, now you can rest easy. Whatever it is, it's been invented, and it's being sold in the Walter Drake catalogue.

Need long, narrow ice cubes to fit into your water bottle? Well, then order item 100-47587, which is an ice tray that makes 10 long-narrow-fit-into-a-bottle ice "cubes".

Embarrased that your hamburgers don't have that "restaurant quality" look? Thank goodness there's item number 101-02770, the "Restaurant Quality Hamburger Press".

Is City Hall ignoring your suggestion that you deserve to have a street named after you? Now your troubles are over, thanks to item 100-65928, the "Personalized Street Sign" (although you'll probably also need item 100-31557, the "Cap Holder (for 1 sign), or 100-31565, the "Crosspiece (for 2 signs)").

There is a downside to this consumer utopia, however -- as I thumbed through the catalogue, I began to realize how woefully deficient I have been in providing my family with the proper tools for sophisticated living. I refer, of course, to the Really Cool But Really Pointless Kitchen Gadgets section. Mind you, the folks at Walter Drake don't call it that, but that's what it is.

For example, when I use half a red onion, I wrap the other half in plastic wrap and put it back in the vegetable crisper. Who knew that I could be using the "Dome Onion Saver", which, with its nifty "hinged lid" "seals to confine odor". It even hangs from the edge of the refrigerator shelf to save valuable shelf space. (Item 100-47546)

But wait, that's not all. There's the whole "Saver" line, which includes the "Lettuce Saver", the "Tomato Saver", the "Bacon Saver", the "Bologna Saver", the "Pancake Mix Saver" and the "English Muffin Saver". You should not confuse these, of course, with the "Hot Dog Keeper" ("holds 8 pack!") and the "Bag-In Bread Dispenser" ("fold cuff over end to prevent crushing and staleness!").

But the coup-de-grace has to be the "Cracker Container" (item 100-47439), in which you can protect your crackers from crushing. Just be sure to specify "round" (Ritz cracker size) or "square" (think Wheat-Thins).